[我說] 憶小欣姐二三秋
意映小欣如晤:
吾今以此書與汝永別矣!吾作此書,淚珠和筆墨齊下,不能竟書而欲擱筆!又恐
汝不察吾衷,謂吾忍舍汝而死,謂吾不知汝之不欲吾死也,故遂忍悲為汝言之。
吾至愛汝,即此愛汝一念,使吾勇於就死也。吾自遇汝以來,常願天下有情人都
成眷屬;然遍地腥羶,滿街狼犬,稱心快意,幾家能夠?語云:「仁者老吾老以及人
之老,幼吾幼以及人之幼。」吾充吾愛汝之心,助天下人愛其所愛,所以敢先汝而死
,不顧汝也。汝體吾此心,於啼泣之餘,亦以天下人為念,當亦樂犧牲吾身與汝身之
福利,為天下人謀永福也。汝其勿悲!
汝憶否?四、五年前某夕,吾嘗語曰:「與其使我先死也,無寧汝先吾而死。」
汝初聞言而怒;後經吾婉解,雖不謂吾言為是,而亦無辭相答。吾之意,蓋謂以汝之
弱,必不能禁失吾之悲。吾先死,留苦與汝,吾心不忍,故寧請汝先死,吾擔悲也。
嗟夫!誰知吾卒先汝而死乎!
吾真真不能忘汝也。回憶後街之屋,入門穿廊,過前後廳,又三、四折,有小廳
,廳旁一室,為吾與汝雙棲之所。初婚三、四個月,適冬之望日前後,窗外疏梅篩月
影,依稀掩映。吾與汝並肩攜手,低低切切,何事不語?何情不訴?及今思之,空餘
淚痕。又回憶六、七年前,吾之逃家復歸也,汝泣告我:「望今後有遠行,必以見告
,我願隨君行。」吾亦既許汝矣。前十餘日回家,即欲乘便以此行之事語汝;及與汝
對,又不能啟口。且以汝之有身也,更恐不勝悲,故惟日日呼酒買醉。嗟夫!當時余
心之悲,蓋不能以寸管形容之。
吾誠願與汝相守以死。第以今日時勢觀之,天災可以死,盜賊可以死,瓜分之日
可以死,奸官汙吏虐民可以死,吾輩處今日之中國,無時無地不可以死,到那時使吾
眼睜睜看汝死,或使汝眼睜睜看我死,吾能之乎?抑汝能之乎?即可不死,而離散不
相見,徒使兩地眼成穿而骨化石;試問古來幾曾見破鏡重圓?則較死為尤苦也。將奈
之何!今日吾與汝幸雙健,天下之人,不當死而死,與不願離而離者,不可數計;鍾
情如我輩者,能忍之乎?此吾所以敢率性就死,不顧汝也。
吾今死無餘憾,國事成不成,自有同志者在。依新已五歲,轉眼成人,汝其善撫
之,使之肖我。汝腹中之物,吾疑其女也;女必像汝,吾心甚慰。或又是男,則亦教
其以父志為志,則我死後,尚有二意洞在也。甚幸!甚幸!
吾家日後當甚貧;貧無所苦,清靜過日而已。吾今與汝無言矣!吾居九泉之下,
遙聞汝哭聲,當哭相和也。吾平日不信有鬼,今則又望其真有;今人又言心電感應有
道,吾亦望其言是實。則吾之死,吾靈尚依依汝旁也,汝不必以無侶悲!
吾愛汝至。汝幸而偶我,又何不幸而生今日之中國!吾幸而得汝,又何不幸而生
今日之中國,卒不忍獨善其身!嗟夫!紙短情長,所未盡者尚有萬千,汝可以模擬得
之。吾今不能見汝矣!汝不能舍我,其時時於夢中得我乎!一慟!
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
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